i think there for i...

sometimes the best decisions are the ones you don't have to think about. the ones you just know. these don't come around hugely often, i find but when they do its worth grabbing them with both hands and running as if your life depends on it. not thinking is often more valuable when making a life changing decision then spending long periods of time contemplating, twisting a thought round and round in your head until you lose track of what you were thinking about in the first place. but as an aspie who loves to think and plan, making a spur of the moment choice isn't always that easy.

there have been a few occasions in the last year that i have not thought and just done, some have been big things like moving to canada, other smaller like meeting up with people on the fly or going bungee jumping. but big or small these things where i have not thought, often end up being the best experiences that i've had. i'm lucky, i know my own mind very well. i know what i want and what makes me happy and i also have a good idea how to go about getting myself there. and knowing all this has come from thinking. but acting on it has not.

i don't want to talk about moving to canada or leaving home, although they were both big things that very little thought when into. instead i want to talk about how someone so prone to over thinking can make the best decisions with out a single moment though. having AS means i like to plan everything out, i like to know whats going on so i can be in control. that way i'll stay calm and be able to even relax a little. when i do something i have every eventuality planned, i know what's going to happen if X happens or Y. this is the way i do things. i will think back over conversations picking out details analysing them to with in an inch or their subjective lives. and i do this because i cant help it, its just they way i am. i also love to think about the big things, to try to puzzle out the questions that i dream up. i want to work myself out i want to work the world out. i love to drive myself insane thinking over the endless possibility of everything. so what the fuck am i doing not thinking about things that i do?

the past two days for me were amazing and this is because i didn't think i just did. on wednesday i got a tip from work, whist walking though the village i stumbled across a friend. five minuets late we where heading to the whistler bungee shop so i could book a bungee jump. i hadn't been planning to go but hey, i had the money and it was something i really wanted to do. i got home on a high knowing in two days i was going bungee jumping and saw on my facebook feed that, john,  someone i knew (ish) from the uk was in whistler. now john is someone i have a huge amount of respect for. he used to judge at climbing competitions i took part in and despite the fact i was never GB team he found time to talk to me after i climbed and made sure i felt happy and involved within the competitions. this in its self shows he's a guy with a lot of compassion for others especially those who might be on the out side of things (as i, along with many other aspies often am). but more recently he has also done something that has pulled together thousands of climbers across the globe to unite under one banner. not many people could do that. especially not with terminal cancer.

CAC (climbers against cancer) a charity that aims to raise awareness about cancer as well as raise money for cancer research was john's brain child. he knew he was dieing but decided to do something big that would benefit as many people as it could. he decided that being ill wasn't going to stop him. and in less then a year has sold thousands of t-shirts world wide to raise money for a cause that almost everyone is touched by.

seeing that john was in whistler was kind of exciting i wanted to go and say hello if i could so messaged him and we agreed to met up the next day. now at this point i like to point out that no only do i not normally message people i don't know fantasticly well, its only in the past year that i have learned how to do the whole meeting people thing properly so this was a big personal step. and one that was taken by not thinking to hard!

we met the next day at the top of whistler gondola along with a friends of john's who he was staying with. sitting down to a hot chocolate we chatted about CAC, what i was doing in canada and a little about aspergers. john was open about his cancer so i felt comfortable talking about being AS and this openness also allowed me to ask something i have always wanted to ask. its not an easy question. as a kid i was always told it was rude and upsetting. not something that should every pass your lips. but i wanted to know. john has been open about the fact he is going to die. i asked if he minded me asking a personal question. he told me to go ahead so i did. in a quieter voice then my normal i started to slowly voice my question.
"what's it like knowing your going to..."
"die" john finished the question for me. he looked at me before answering. "its a good question" i could see its something he has thought about and that its also something almost impossible to put into words. he said that he takes each day as it comes that he makes the most of things and tries not to think about it to much as it can be a rather overwhelming prospect. but the thing that stood out for me the most was when he said it meant he had to make a decision. he decided it wasn't going to stop him doing something big. being able to make that decision tells you a lot about a person. it tells you they want to fight, that they know themselves and that are hugely motivated. its not always easy deciding not to let anything stop you. often it can seem like there is a mountain in the way of you and what you want to achieve but as long as you keep taking steps you will get there.

me and john by an inukshuk atop whistler mountain

this really rang a cord with me. since finding out about being AS i have had to look over and reconsider parts of my identity. who am i and what dose having AS mean for me. it took a lot of thinking over the past year and a bit for me to figure it out. i am me, i decided and having AS wasn't going to get in the way of anything i want to do. this is something i hold on to when times get tough. having thought all this though i decided it was better to be scared and doing things then not scared and not. sometimes this decision can be overwhelming but it was also liberating for me, knowing i'm not going to let anything stop me has allowed me to make decisions with out thinking. i know my own mind so i want to do something then i should do it.

we headed out side to take some picture of us in CAC shirt. (john then posts them on fb so show the world how far a idea can reach). from there we took the peak to peak across the valley (i so want to say glen here it's an easier word to spell and i love scotland so) before heading back and having lunch. after this i headed out to ski for a while and john and his friend headed down the mountain. if anyone wants to check out CAC here's a link to the website: climbersagainstcancer

me pre jump

the next day i was going bungee jumping. proudly dressed in my CAC shirt so i could try to get some decent picture we headed out in a small group to the jump. i was insanely excited about it. to the point of not being able to sit still in the cab too well. the first jump i did i went backwards as being a climber this should make it scarier for me. it was an amazing experience. i loved it so much as soon as i had been hauled up i was asking if i could have another go. this was going to cost however. i used the not thinking to hard tactic again and decided it was well worth it. the next time i attempted a swan dive but it ended up looking more like i was trying to swim in mid air!

"im flying though the air"

its funny what an amazing two days you can have by not thinking to hard. but i know i have only got to this stage by thinking a lot. my ability to think is what makes me me. its a gift from my aspergers but its also a curse. thinking has meant i could see that i was different and for years meant i thought there was something wrong with me but it has also given rise to my new confidence and sense of self. thinking for me is everything. i want to study it at uni someday (philosophy, i know there's not uni course called "thinking"). i want i sign off with a little bit of descartes as well as the title of this piece "i think there for i am" and i am what i chose to be. (my little addition)