that's the brief outline i've got from the report after my assessment for aspergers. one i have it, two it effects me on quite a wide base and three its kinda bad. not that this surprised me at all, i pretty much knew that already, but reading how i have no normal levels of empathy dose make me feel a little less human. oh and it also made me cry (no surprises there then!)
i'm an unusual case, most people don't get a diagnosis at 18. i should of got one as a kid but my parents buried there heads in the sand and ignored the signs. not that that matters now. the important thing is i've done it. i now know for sure and have proof if ever i need it. i've know i'm autistic for a while so why am i so upset at having it proved to me?
i suppose these things are always hard to read and its not unusual to get upset when presented with a document summing up quite how inadequately you suit nuro typical life. its something that all people on the spectrum have to go through, almost like a uncomfortable right of passage, but i reckon its easier to get it as a child when its your parents who have to deal with the emotions of it all. not aged 18, 4 days before you get on a plane to to spend a year halfway across the world away from all the people who know you. but when did i ever do things the easy way?
the report gives scores from different tests and basicly just summed up the answers i had given at the assessment. my scores read along the lines of:
screening test: 37 out of 50 (most AS people score 32 or above)
empathy test: 10 out of 80 (most AS people score 30 or below)
diagnosis test: 17 out of 18 (need 10 to be classed as AS)
seeing it like this is somewhat difficult, i cant hide behind a wall of maybes now (not that i did much before). its there starting me in the face and telling me where i stand. yes that is what i wanted to know, but i suppose i wanted to be told a bit more nicely (in search of a better word) although i'm not sure how i expected functional documents to do nice?
and i don't suppose sitting in a room that's not your bedroom, in a house that's not your home with all your friends and people who you care about over a 100 miles away is the best way to go about reading these things. not if your relationship with your parents is like mine anyway.
i felt very alone as i sat crying. suddenly i felt less then human like i wasn't good enough any more because i cant feel things like normal people do and i cant act like normal people. seeing it written like that made me feel invalid as a person. i wanted to talk to someone about it to share it so it wasn't just me who had the knowledge of it, as it seem more then i could cope with. i wanted to talk to a friend. no, actually i wanted a hug. (unfortunately anyone i would consider hugging is well over 100 miles from my current location and in some case over 500 miles away making hugs slightly impractical)
i tried to pull myself together. failed. tried again. failed again. so started writing this. apart from anything else writing what it feels like to get a diagnosis on the day you get it makes it more real then a few days later. i then had a nice chat to a friend and by the time that was over was feeling far more positive about the whole thing and decidedly more human. so that's all good.
i suppose its natural to look at myself and then compare me to a normal person and feel different and at times when i feel vulnerable or lonely i will think of myself as less then human or a freak. no matter how much i accept myself and learn to work with myself to function within mainstream society there will be times when its hard not to want to be normal, purely because its easier, but i don't have that choice and i never will. i have the right to feel proud of being AS (as long as i don't develop a sense of entitlement with the pride) and i am who i am and a piece of paper (or some pixels on a computer screen) isn't going to change that!
i suppose these things are always hard to read and its not unusual to get upset when presented with a document summing up quite how inadequately you suit nuro typical life. its something that all people on the spectrum have to go through, almost like a uncomfortable right of passage, but i reckon its easier to get it as a child when its your parents who have to deal with the emotions of it all. not aged 18, 4 days before you get on a plane to to spend a year halfway across the world away from all the people who know you. but when did i ever do things the easy way?
the report gives scores from different tests and basicly just summed up the answers i had given at the assessment. my scores read along the lines of:
screening test: 37 out of 50 (most AS people score 32 or above)
empathy test: 10 out of 80 (most AS people score 30 or below)
diagnosis test: 17 out of 18 (need 10 to be classed as AS)
seeing it like this is somewhat difficult, i cant hide behind a wall of maybes now (not that i did much before). its there starting me in the face and telling me where i stand. yes that is what i wanted to know, but i suppose i wanted to be told a bit more nicely (in search of a better word) although i'm not sure how i expected functional documents to do nice?
and i don't suppose sitting in a room that's not your bedroom, in a house that's not your home with all your friends and people who you care about over a 100 miles away is the best way to go about reading these things. not if your relationship with your parents is like mine anyway.
i felt very alone as i sat crying. suddenly i felt less then human like i wasn't good enough any more because i cant feel things like normal people do and i cant act like normal people. seeing it written like that made me feel invalid as a person. i wanted to talk to someone about it to share it so it wasn't just me who had the knowledge of it, as it seem more then i could cope with. i wanted to talk to a friend. no, actually i wanted a hug. (unfortunately anyone i would consider hugging is well over 100 miles from my current location and in some case over 500 miles away making hugs slightly impractical)
i tried to pull myself together. failed. tried again. failed again. so started writing this. apart from anything else writing what it feels like to get a diagnosis on the day you get it makes it more real then a few days later. i then had a nice chat to a friend and by the time that was over was feeling far more positive about the whole thing and decidedly more human. so that's all good.
i suppose its natural to look at myself and then compare me to a normal person and feel different and at times when i feel vulnerable or lonely i will think of myself as less then human or a freak. no matter how much i accept myself and learn to work with myself to function within mainstream society there will be times when its hard not to want to be normal, purely because its easier, but i don't have that choice and i never will. i have the right to feel proud of being AS (as long as i don't develop a sense of entitlement with the pride) and i am who i am and a piece of paper (or some pixels on a computer screen) isn't going to change that!
