Bloody hell its been a while! But despite the whole lot of not that much going on right now I have something I would like to write.
So, what do you do when you get those annoying aspie 'feeling' you know the ones that fill you full on angst because your blood sugar is off because of antibiotics. That feeling that fills you up from inside out and consumes every moment and thought that you can run through your over tired frustrated brain. The uneasy pain in the bottom of your stomach that comes when something bad/new/uninvited is about to happen and you don't really want it to but cant hit the inner pause button. That feeling. The one that you have avoided for months through the use of strict routine and structure, by meal planning, carb counting, insulin monitoring, careful eating and not deviating into the unknown. When your so close to achieving perfection and something comes a blows your right off course, that 'feeling'.
It's been a long time since I clenched my fists because of a 'feeling' since I haven't been able to sleep because of one. It's the point you know you are totally over reacting to something small, high blood sugar, but you cant help it because its out of your control. everyone who knows me knows I like to control my environment, I don't mind change as long as its expected, I like new experiences as long as I know they are coming and have had time to prepare myself. What I hate is out of the blue I'm going to totally fuck you over for no good reason by taking your perfect insulin to carb to blood sugar ratio that you have spent months fine tuning to allow you to eat well and lose weight and I'm going to screw it up just because I can and then laugh as you have an internal battle over the rational and the aspie to see which side ultimately wins this battle of the wills and leaves you in a frustrated turmoil over the smallest thing. (yes I have given the antibiotic a voice and mind).
It is at this point which I wish I could just let it go, like I do with most things, trains running late, appointments taking ages to get, friends being busy when I want to talk to them. I can handle that. But antibiotics screwing with my blood sugars is a step to far. So bare this in mind Mr Antibiotic, next time you think about messing with my BS's know that I'm on to you. And you can't hide.
