limbo

im currently living in a strange kind of limbo, not quite here but not quite there. i don't really know where i am. i've left home but not got to where im going. i know im autistic but not sure where i fit on the spectrum  i can climb but its not climbing (will explain this later). all i know its that im in-between big parts of my life and for now all i can do is wait for them to get going. witch i suppose is the first part of travelling. the waiting to go.

so where am i going? well im off to canada in november to be a ski instructor in whistler. sounds easy enough really, travel half way across the world to a new place, live in student style accommodation with a room-mate who i don't know and spend all day taking kids up and down a mountain, what's to be scared of? not like im not great with people, have routines that annoy the heck out of the people around me or am prone to meltdowns when i get, well, when i get to the stage that i get meltdowns.

its fair to say the idea of all this terrifies me, but in a way that partly why im doing it. i like to push myself way out my comfort zone (or at least i tell myself i do, so i do) and see how i react and what i can do that i didn't think i could. but right now it all seems very big and scary and due to my bloody marvellous habit of circular thought ive been thinking almost non stop about what canada will be like. and scaring myself silly. useful!

all that said i am very much looking forward to it. scary as it might be i love skiing, i love canada and i've been looking forward to this trip since i had the idea of going. but im not there yet. right now im travelling round the uk visiting family and friends who i wont see for a while once my real travels start. between leaving my summer home in glencoe to going to canada i wont be in the same place for more then two weeks. well if everything goes to plan anyway.


before i get to canada there a few things i want to do and getting a formal diagnosis to find out where i am on the autistic spectrum is one of them. ive know for almost two years that i fit somewhere on the spectrum after stumbling across a news paper artical about AS women and very quickly identifying with what was being said (i had been thinking for a while that i might be slightly autistic before i read the artical). my parents who also read the artical could see most of what was being said in me as well. i promptly when online to do some digging and found that i seem to directly fit the profile of an autistic woman. to add a bit of weight to the theory of why i was so meish and not so good at the whole fitting in thing, one of my aunts and a cousin who knew about these things had been telling my mother for years that i must be somewhere on the spectrum.

i tried to get a diagnosis back then but it turned out there was no provision for adults on the spectrum where i lived. they didn't diagnose us and they didn't really care. my doctor tried to go though my school nurse but that failed as well. in the end i gave it up as a bad job. i probably wouldn't be trying again now if i hadn't moved to glencoe this summer but my experiences and friends there told me (rather directly) that its something i really need to get done. so im trying to go private. 

having started the process im now trying to get on with it, filling out forms and what not while all the time mindful that i need to be done before i head off and away out the country. so i'm checking my emails eight times a day just to make sure i don't miss anything.(well obliviously)

i'm also an obsessive climber but due to a rather unfortunate injury have not been able to climb for well over a year. this has upset me somewhat. i live climbing, it's my world and i didn't know how to, or want to live with out it. but finally i am back. i can climb again but to me, someone who enjoyed competing at a high level, i'm not really climbing. as much as it good to be back i want to climb hard again but i cant. so, to me, i'm in-between not climbing at all and being able to climb properly. another state of limbo.

so that's me a girl in limbo. travelling around the uk with no one place to call home (not that i'm complaining is rather fun) each new place brings a new routine to be adopted (i cant live with out them) different people to see and a few new challenges in terms to staying happy, polite and civilised when what i really want to do is scream at people and run away. but im learning, living and being me and i suppose that what really matters.